27 March 2019 I hit a milestone of 12 months with no drinking. It was a decision I had made when we started down the IVF rabbit hole as I needed to lose weight, and to be honest, I think the drinking had started to become more of a dependancy than something to do on occassion. I had always enjoyed a drink, and could drink well, but the move to Perth and isolation from my life back in Tassie, turned it into another beast.
Not long after this milestone we got rejected for our next round of IVF due to my BMI being 0.1 over the limit. This made me REALLY mad. Felt like we were being held hostage to the process by the clinic. Really mad too that they don't take anything else into consideration. I'm sure there are plenty of women within the "healthy" BMI range who are far from that. I had worked so hard to give up drinking, stop smoking, lose weight and exercise and it felt like a massive slap in the face.
Cycle 4 kicked off in the June, we got 3 eggs, all fertilised but only 1 survived to transfer. And again this didn't stick. Another negative blood test result (along with around 4 negative pregnancy tests that I stupidly took). For newbies to this process, DON'T SELF TEST! It fucks with your head and you're likely to get false positive due to the level of hormones in your system. This was the last cycle I self-tested.
Post this failure we met with Dr Sunny again who was just as frustrated as we were. I was producing good quality eggs and our embryos were A grade. He mentioned someone with stage 4 endo & my age would generally have sub par embryo quality but I didn’t. He decided to suppress my endometriosis for 8 weeks, essentially putting me into early menopause, then kick it back into a new stims cycle with gusto! He also suggested to try transferring two embryos (if we get them) to increase our chances of at least one sticking, and two would mean twins. At this point in time I was open to anything, so twins, triplets or ocutplets I didn't care (Billy on the other hand.....!!!)
During these 8 weeks I reached another milestone - 500 days alcohol free! I had lost 12kg and felt bloody fantastic! We had hubby's birthday in there too but I didn't drink for that.
Then the 8 weeks came to an end and at the end of August we started cycle number 5. We again got another 3 eggs mid September, 2 of which fertilised, but an hour before transfer we got the call to say that they hadn't made it.
I felt all kinds of emotions that day, mostly anger and frustration, and that was the day I broke my no drinking streak. 536 days I had gone without a drink, 5 cycles of IVF, endless injections, stress, hormone breakouts, brusied abdomen, painful fucking periods and for what? HEARTBREAK & SWEET FUCK ALL. We went to a brewery in the Swan Valley here in Western Australia and I had a sour watermelon beer. It wasn't too bad but I only had the one that day ;-)
In November of 2019 we did our first double embyro 3 day transfer, they were both super healthy looking embryos too and we were feeling very positive about the cycle. The transfer was done on the 7th December. I did my pregnancy bloods just before we finished work for the year. To get that negative result right before Christmas was a kick in the guts. I had my Dad & his partner visiting from Tassie for Christmas so it was nice to have a full house and distraction from what had been a very full on year for both of us.
There was quite a wait for us to see Dr Sunny after this and we managed to get into see him on March 2020, right before COVID-19 hit. We decided that we would do another laparoscpy to clean out my endometriosis, once again, so that was booked for early May. Post that clean out we would do another down regulated cycle and this would be our last IVF attempt. Hubby & I had held many conversations about this decision to only try once more. But considering I was 41 years old, and we hadn't had even one positive result out of all the cycles, we had resigned ourselves to the fact that this wasn't meant to be for us.
My laparoscopy got delayed by 6 weeks due to COVID-19 and once I had that done it was a good result. There were no new lesions, only a few that were small the last time Dr Sunny operated, so he cleaned those out and said he was very happy with the results. I questioned my increased pain each month & he seemed to think I have deep infiltrating endometriosis. So on the surface it doesn’t show but it’s there buried deep.
Fast forward to August & hubby's 40th birthday which was the day they decided to do the egg retreival! So he got his rocks off for his birthday, only not for fun! 😂 We had a night booked at Crown Towers for his birthday and it was a good celebration post the previous few weeks of the last remaining cycle.
We then went away for a few days for his birthday too, again a great distraction (apart from having to do injections) but time away to just be with not too much thought on what was happening. The 17th August I had my final embryo transfer done. 2 embabies were transferred again for our final attempt.
As positive as I was trying to be in this cycle, I think I had already mentally checked out of the process. It had been SO long since our last cycle and the decisions we'd made since then, it kind of felt like a "have to" process to close this chapter in our lives. Because of this I just went through the motions; went to the appointments, did the bloods and uncomfortable internal scans, took the vitamins.
However when that call came through on afternoon of the 27th August, absolutely shattering my heart and world yet again, I fell to the floor in defeat. It brings tears to my eyes still thinking about it. That was it, no more chances, no more hope, no pregnancy & no baby. My heart physically hurt. Everything I always thought would happen was no more. I'm so grateful that I have an amazing boss and I was able to from home that Thursday (so I wasn't in the office when I got the news), then worked from home in the afternoon the day after. I received some beautiful flowers from some caring loving people and just got to "be" with my feelings about all of this. My dear Daisy was never far from my side either.
So life goes on. There are good days & bad, they will always be like that. I recently had the Mirena inserted as a first step to try & minimse my endometriosis pain each month. We're giving it 3 months and if that doesn't work, I'll be booking in for a hysterectomy later on in 2021. I cannot continue to live with this disease and the agony it causes me 2-3 weeks out of the month, each month. Nor do I want to be reminded of how my body has failed me on the one thing I thought would be a given.
My message to all of you out there reading this: if you're suffering with fertility issues, TALK ABOUT IT. It doesn’t have to be to the world, just to one person. If someone talks to you about their own fertility issues LET THEM SPEAK. Listen to them, comfort them and try to understand them. As women we should be doing more to support each other, and the men affected by this too. There are very limited avenues for the men to work through what infertility does to them. As its the women who, 99% of the time have to have the treatment, how it affects the men is often overlooked. More needs to be done in this space.
Lastly, I must voice my gratitude for my husband Billy. From the first appointment, even to as recently as this week looking after me when I was in absolute agony from cramping, he has been my rock. He has supported every idea or different attempt I have raised. Taken me to surgeries, watched me do needles 😂, put up with the intense hormones and moods I had (& still have!) and held me as I cried. This was hard for him too, he knew how much I wanted this & he hurt as well each time we had a failed attempt. We have certainly had tough times during these last few years but it has only made us stronger in the long run. Thank you my Billy, I love you.
My hope, with all of this sharing, is that I can reach maybe just one person. One person who was as in the dark about all this as I was. One person who can relate in some small way.
Please reach out to me if you wish to talk about any of this, for any reason at all xx
I still have a bag of a few things I bought my future child, and I will aways keep these.
I still have the list of names I had written down for my future child. Top of the list being Mia for a girl & Leo for a boy.
I still get a pang of jealousy whenever I hear a new pregnancy announcement.
I still think I would have made an incredible Mum.
Comments