2024 - A Life Altering Year

In October 2023 I went on a retreat, which I have previously written about. Whilst the whole experience was life changing there were still some things that came up that I haven't addressed. One of those things, and something I didn't share in my last post was what I wrote in my journal at the start of day 2.

I am incredibly unhappy.

What that morphed into over the last 14 months has not been healthy. I have been fighting against it and turned to alcohol to free myself from having to think about or address anything. As a result this has created a dependence and has impacted my health.

I have gained over 10kg in the last year, my eating habits have been less than satisfactory, and the self-sabotage and destructive behaviour has gotten worse. I spent 6 sessions with a new psychologist which I got a lot out of but then she reduced her hours & availability, and I could no longer make it work to see her. My exercise, or desire to, is slowly diminishing - if I didn't have Daisy then there would have been more inactive than active days in my Strava records this year.

In around October I reached out to Clean Slate Clinic. I had seen their details on Instagram ads and made contact. I had a discussion with their team and a nurse appointment to get bloods underway and planning a detox. Kind of like a rehab at home. Not necessarily to go booze free forever but for a significant amount of time. The only requirement was they require you to not work for a week which with my role and the upcoming commitments I had on, I just couldn't do. So instead, I tried to tell myself that I would cut back and not drink during the week and reduce my consumption, but due to my mental and emotional state none of this happened.

So many times I told myself this. Have a break. Don't drink during the week. You'll feel so much better. You'll achieve so much more. But I didn't. I would swing past the bottle shop on my way home from work, pick up a bottle of Prosecco and head home to open it up. Some nights I wouldn't go to bed until close to midnight. Not remembering clearly the next morning what time I went to bed or what I ate for dinner. See since my gastric sleeve surgery, I get periods if I drink too much, I am fuzzy on what happened. Due to the smaller size of my stomach the alcohol enters my system quicker, but this also results in more pressure on my organs to do their thing. I experience occasional lower back pain, my lipomas in my back are swollen, and I am anxious that I have done some damage due to my drinking.

This unhappiness also increased discussions with Billy about our future. Pretty much since we finished IVF in late 2020 things shifted between us. Mainly on my part as I struggled to work out my purpose & “what’s now”. I feel like I've been living in a grief cycle for the last 4 years. Grieving the life I thought I would have with a child or children of my own, then grieving the loss of that permanently post my hysterectomy. Grieving the loss of two significant women in my life; my auntie Kaylene and my Oma Estelle. Even grieving the old me as a result of my gastric sleeve surgery.

Then as of November 2024, grieving the end of my marriage. After 11 years together and 7.5 of those married, Billy & I have made the mutual, amicable and respectful decision to separate. We are still very good friends and have a lot of love & respect for each other, but we are both unhappy. We came to the conclusion we didn't want things to drag on and potentially become bitter in the future because we still want to be in each other's lives and remain friends, plus I also still want to play a part in Kyla's life. Whilst this decision didn't come lightly or quickly we both feel that is the right path to take.

In the next week or so I will be I booking my New York Marathon adventure for November 2025. This is a huge challenge for me but one I’m determined to achieve & the focus will be good amongst the chaos & hurt to come. As a result I am confident the dependence on the alcohol will be a thing of the past.

Next steps are to sort through finances, get the house ready for sale & find a new place to live. My job is going to be massive in 2025 and my social time will be limited as I want New York to be the best trip ever so will be saving hard.

A very common theme with bariatric surgery is transfer addiction. Whereby the individual can't eat or purge like they used to so their coping mechanism transfers to something else they can manage. In my case it has been drinking. Other people shop or do drugs. This certainly doesn't help with my mental state or the horrible things I say to myself constantly. So, for now, it's trying to focus on each day as it comes. Not plan ahead too much and try to make better decisions about how I spend my time and how I view my health.

I will not fail on this goal to run the marathon so from mid February its alcohol free for me. Why February and not now? We have a work trip mid month which will be a fun celebration with the team & in the interim I’ll be making a conscious effort to significantly cut back. I’ve already started my running training with the 5km program & it’s much easier to run when not seedy or feeling like shit!

It goes to show how easily this can happen but I’m glad I’ve recognised it & can take the necessary steps for change.

As with all my posts I share my experiences & thoughts with the view it may help someone else or shine a light on topics not often spoken about. I ask that what I say is treated with kindness & respect with no judgement 💛

*shared with Billy’s permission.