A lightbulb moment

After attending the retreat with Belinda Anderson in 2023 I always knew I would return again one day.

This year marks 10 years Belinda has been running her retreats & she ran a competition on her socials for one person to win a place at her March retreat. Low & behold I was the lucky winner! I couldn’t believe it & felt after everything that the past year had produced, this prize couldn’t be more timely.

Flights were booked & I had the time marked out in my diary. Then along came Cyclone Alfred to stir the universe’s pot & the retreat got postponed. I was also booked to go to QLD for a conference March 31 to April 2 so when Belinda contacted us to say some could fit on the April 3-6 retreat I quickly put my hand up & I was booked in for then.

The timing could not have been better really as I avoided having to do two trips over East. The conference was really great. I caught up with a lot of industry peers & also stepped outside of my comfort zone by sitting on a panel in front of 100 people to talk about my story to becoming a shareholder at Boutique & the Emerging Leaders program I did last year. We also heard from Tom Boyd on the last day & his journey from being the number one AFL draft pick, his career with GWS & the Bulldogs to his decision to walk away from the game at age 23. He has an amazing story & also took us through some really good activities around team awareness.

The Thursday morning I got packed up then made my way to Coolangatta airport to wait for the transfer to the retreat. I tidied up some work, had some lunch then met Tamara & Melissa who were also waiting & we jumped in the car with Tanika who had kindly offered to transport us as the maxi taxi couldn’t fit us all!

I was looking forward to getting back to Gymea & seeing Belinda again. Knowing the rough structure of the retreat & kind of what to expect allowed me to focus on what I wanted to get out of it, as well as getting to know the other women attending.

First stop was the magnesium pool where a few of us gathered to chat & start to get to know each other. It’s amazing how that first interaction is in comparison to how we leave each other at the end of the 4 days.

The first afternoon session is sharing why we think we’re there (which never ends up being why we’re actually there) and as I was a returning attendee I was up first. I had some idea of what I wanted to work through, my drinking habit being one piece, but also like I needed a way up from feeling like I was at rock bottom.

Billy & I had held many conversations the past few months & we had decided that we would see how things go between us to see if we can work it out to stay together. So I felt there were aspects of my part in all that to work on too whilst on retreat.

I am not going to share in detail everything that happened during those next 4 days. The vegan food cooked by Anthea was to die for, the weather improved, the interactions & conversations with others became more meaningful & during our sunny Saturday lunch time chats the penny finally dropped for me.

At my first retreat I felt like I was all over the place & I was scrambling to figure out why I was there, what I needed & not really getting a solid answer. I also re-read my journal from that first retreat when I got home this time & that was really apparent! After I got home my drinking became more habitual & Billy made a comment to me I think in the December of January that my drinking had increased since I’d gotten back. He was right & I couldn’t figure out why.

The drinking continued as I detailed in my last post, and with that came weight gain, mood changes, irritability, self-hatred & looking back now early signs of depression.

During our lunch chat one of the lovely women I met was asking about how to change the negative narrative towards her body for some of its failings. To which Belinda responded that she needed to flip the switch & acknowledge whilst there were failings, she has come out the other side. Belinda then gestured to me saying you are sitting next to someone who didn’t get what she wanted.

It was at that moment the cogs clicked into place & that lightbulb lit up so brightly in my mind.

Since our last failed IVF round in 2020, I have been punishing my body for what it failed to provide me. The one thing I wanted to be was a Mum & it took that away from me. So all my behaviours & actions since that point has been around me hating on my body & self. The emotional eating & drinking prior to my gastric sleeve surgery, then the drinking post the last retreat once the surgery honeymoon period ended. It’s all been to try & make sense or place blame onto something for the direction my life has gone.

Healthy? No of course not. (3 psychologists also failed to figure this out with me too I might add)

But at least realising this I had a place to start from.

Taking a break from drinking was front of mind heading into the retreat. I’ve done it before many times & prior to the last 18 months I had always been a responsible social drinker. Could quite easily have a wine with dinner out & call it at that, or have a few weeks off due to no social engagements. Obviously there’s no drinking on the retreat so that was a good start & I’ve just ticked over 2 weeks without a drink. That may not be much to most people but having had alcohol on average 4 nights a week for the last 18 months it’s a big deal to me. I’m not putting any label on it or commitment around what that is for me going forward but for now I’m not drinking.

I shared my revelations with Billy when I got home too as I wanted him to hear where I’d landed but also that I had gained so much clarity from the retreat.

I can see why people keep coming back to Belinda & her retreats. She shares an amazing gift holding space for all these women & I’ve already earmarked in my mind to do a Bali one in 2026. Don’t ask to join me though as I will politely decline. The best piece of advice I can give anyone looking into a retreat with Belinda is to do it solo. You won’t get as much out of it attending with a friend or family member. You won’t be as open to sharing as much as you would with a room full of strangers (as they are on day one).

The beauty of these retreats is not only what you get out of it for yourself, but like I said to the girls in the car on the way back to the airport, what you gain from every other woman who is there. I made some really beautiful connections again at Gymea & know they’ll continue for years to come.