29 August 2018 I injected the first needle into my tummy. That first injection held so much hope. I dropped it before I jabbed it in, but nonetheless I got it done. I had no hope of Billy helping me out due to his fear of needles, so it was all up to me! As we were going through a bulk bill clinic they had a BMI limit, and I had finally got the go ahead from the doctor to start our first cycle of IVF. Dr Santanu Baruah (Dr Sunny) was the specialist that diagnosed my endometriosis earlier in the year and he was heading up the new clinic. It was so great for us that we had continuity of service from where we started.
My body accepted the injections pretty well. Hormones were a bit out of control but for the most part I didn't bruise too much and it took around 3 weeks for the first cycle to get to trigger point (this is the needle you take to force ovulation 36 hours before the egg retrieval procedure). My first cycle I did as down regulation which meant I started injecting before my period and then added in the stimulation hormones once my period started.
21 September 2018 I went in for my first egg retreival. It's a day procedure and is usually done first thing in the morning (at my clinic anyway). You have to fast and are given twilight sedation whilst its done. The hot topic on waking is "how many eggs?" On our first retrieval we got 6 eggs. Now all we had to do was wait overnight to find out how they fared in the petrie dish with Billy's sperm.
Early the following morning we received a phone call from the embryologist. Not one of the eggs fertilised overnight so we lost all 6 eggs. The embyrologist explained that there appeared to be a sperm binding issue (essentially my eggs wouldn't let Billy's sperm in!). Therefore next cycle we would be looking at ICSI which is where they inject the sperm into the egg, almost guaranteeing fertilisation.
To say I was devastated is an understatement. For some stupid reason I thought this would work first time for us! All that build up, hope & excitement of working towards what we wanted, to only get absolutely nothing at the end of it.
It was a quick turnaround and by the end of October we were starting again on the injections. Novemer 14 I went in for egg retireval number two which resulted in 4 eggs. Using ICSI 3 of those fertilised overnight so we were one step further along than what we were the first cycle. 4 days later we had our first embryo transferred. An additional embryo made it to the freezer & the remaining one didn't make the cut for freezing.
There are SO many superstitions/old wives' tales about what you should do when you've had an embryo transferred. McDonald's chips, laying down and not moving (god forbid it should fall out LOL!), eating pineapple, drinking special teas, the list goes on and on. I think I did the chips, but got KFC ones and that's about it. I figured if people get pregnant normally, 99% of the time they have no idea straight away, so what's the point of doing anything differently?
On the last day of Novemer 2018 I had my pregnancy blood test done and received the news in the afternoon from the nurse that it was negative. We rebooked with the specialist for the following January and the nurse suggested we leave the frozen embryo on ice and do another fresh round to try and get some more eggs for further embyo freezing. For the time being we just needed to be. I needed to cry and try to work out why this hadn't worked again for us. Again, we had all the hope in the world leading to the cycle but it just didn't work out.
In the January of 2019 I turned 40! On my birthday 288 days had passed in which I had not had a drink (& went on to complete 536 days alcohol free). It was a quiet celebration in Perth, nowhere near what it would have been had I been back in Tassie! But still an enjoyable night spent with my WA friends & Mum who was visiting.
One month later we prepared for our frozen embryo transfer. We'd decided with Dr Sunny to give my body a break from the process of having a fresh cycle and transfer the great quality embryo we already had. We had to cancel a trip back to Tassie for my cousin's wedding due to this cycle so were hoping it was worth it! I wasn't sure if it was due to a change in the medication I was taking or a more positive outlook on things but this cycle I certainly got prenancy symptoms. 10 days post transfer I went off coffee, I had daily nausea and found myself having to eat quite plainly. All these turned out to be what was no doubt progesterone related symptoms as onthe 18th February we got our 2nd negative pregnancy test result.
My instagram post from that day read "We both really thought this would be the one and were ready for it and what a positive result would bring. Instead we're back to asking why, I'm wondering where all my symptoms came from last week, and booked in to see the specialis again to ask more questions and perhaps request more tests before going back around again without some investigation first. It could be my endo is playing havoc again, or blood levels have differed since my last ones 12 months ago. But regardless it'll be a full cycle and retrieval again whenever we do get there. For now we'll mourn what could have been and plan a little something for hubby and I to do in the interim."
I'm just going to pause here to make comment about how little is out there around the ups & downs of fertility treatment. For some reason a lot of women don't talk about it. I'm not sure why, some aren't sharers I know, but wow if more talked about it, the easier it would be to go through it. It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of, it can't be helped! Like most things, if you've not lived it, you don't get it; so sharing as they say, is caring. During this period I was even critiscised for "oversharing" at times. This hurt a lot because support from some people is exactly what I didn't get. Saying nothing is most of the time worse than at least trying to understand it a bit and winding up saying (seemingly) the wrong thing.
I really want to build on what I've started here and try to help create safe spaces for women to talk about their fertility challenges. Also for those women to share, like me, when it hasn't resulted in the happy ending. That is where there seems to be a real lack of support.
Where do you go or who do you speak to when your hopes & dreams are crushed,
knowing you'll never have a child of your own?
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