I am sad

I’m sad.

Sad that I never got that positive pregnancy test. Never got to share that joy, elation & fear with my husband.

Sad I never got to share the news of our pregnancy with my parents, my brother, my only remaining grandparent, my extended family & dearest friends.

Sad I never got to experience the growth of my baby; the good & bad, but all of them exciting fun milestones along the way.

Sad I never got to see my baby’s progress at the scans. Sharing images with loved ones & having my Mum be present for at least one of them.

Sad I never got to have a baby shower (god knows I‘ve been to my fair share of them!) To celebrate & be excited about a new life coming into the world with those dear to me.

I am sad I never got to give birth. To bring a baby into this world that I would have loved with all my heart & soul.

Sad that I never got to smell the top of their head, nuzzle them close to my chest, spend hours just in the bliss of them. Be all consumed by them.

I am sad that I couldn’t make my parents grandparents & my brother an uncle. They would be the best in the world at their roles.

I am sad that I will never walk the beach of my home, hand in hand with my child.

I am sad that I will never see my child play, laugh, learn from, be comforted & wholly loved by their Dad.

Sad that I will never see Kyla be the big sister she would be so good at being.

Sad that we will never get our child ready for their first day of daycare, pre-school, primary school, high school, uni.

I am sad that my child will never experience my love of birthdays & Christmases - all the joy I had as a child to be imparted on them.

I am sad that my child will never know me. Never hug me, never hear me sing to them, listen to me read to them, tell them off, play with them, teach them but most importantly, love them.

I am sad I will never be a Mum.