I’m really struggling at the moment. The closer that Christmas gets, the more I realise that this year has both a first & last feeling about it.
This Christmas won’t include reflection on previous IVF attempts & hope for the new year that “next time it will work”. Just got to stay off the grog, keep the weight down, keep exercising every damn day.
This Christmas won’t include stories of hope & the quality of the embryos being so great & we still have one on ice.
This Christmas will be the first one post my hysterectomy & it will be the last year that held some hope for a baby of my own.
I’ve spent the last few days being on my own as Billy is away for work & I have really been grieving. A triggering episode I watched a few nights ago of This Is Us about pregnancy & birth was the catalyst & then it unravelled from there. I have not dealt with everything from the last 3.5 years properly, I know that. But the way people cope & work through things is different for everyone. I don’t know why I bottle things up & won’t admit to being in a sad place. Don’t want to burden people I guess, which that then results in not that many people asking how I’m doing because of what I project to the outside world.
Whilst families around the world prepare for Christmas with new babies & growing extended families, there are quite a lot of us women out there who find it damn hard. Don’t get me wrong, I have so much love & genuine happiness for my loved ones as they expand their circles. I’ve even taken to buying gifts each Christmas for the kiddies in my life, kind of like a fairy godmother 💫 I couldn’t make this point any more clearer that my happiness for those close to me and their growing families is so real & comes from a place of love. I don’t ever want anyone not to share with me their fabulous happy news, their own struggles even, just because they are thinking they shouldn’t because of what we went through.
Nothing I do ever seems to take away that blackness & pain in my heart & gut. Sometimes it dulls for a while, but it will never fully go away.
From there it forms a vicious cycle. Feel sad, feel hurt & in pain; eat unhealthy food & comfort food; then feel rubbish about oneself & undoing of months of hard work to become healthier & fitter; maybe have a drink or 6 to try block out some of the thoughts in the head & pain in the heart; wake sad & start all over again.
Yes I should really speak to a professional, I know that too. And I have spoken to a few different ones. But that’s hard work too, and very expensive. You can’t just chat to anyone either, you’ve got to find the right fit, which is hard. I did find one who was great but she’s left where she was & I don’t know where she’s gone.
During IVF, hell even before it, I had a purpose & drive. I had to get fitter and healthier to avail of the bulk bill IVF option and I wanted my body to be the best it could be for the process. Now that’s gone & I don’t know what my life is supposed to look like now. In the business I am part of, we speak to clients about their goals, purpose & legacy. Goals are easy, they’re tangible & big ticket items generally. Pay off the house & debts, overseas travel, new car every 5 years etc. But my purpose - I’ve got no idea. And my legacy - what legacy? I have no family to hand anything down to so then what do I do with it? I’m sure things will come to me the more I work through it all, but these are the things I think about, a lot.
It was all supposed to follow a certain trajectory & now it won’t I don’t know what to do with that.
In a strange way I’m glad these feelings have surfaced now instead of over the Christmas break. We’ve a lot of fun things happening & I’m excited for those & a nice relaxing break from work.
This is part of the reason I do this blog. It helps so much for me to get things out. Whether it’s 1 or 20 people that read it, the numbers don’t matter to me.
For those that do read it, I hope you & your families & friends have a safe & happy Christmas. Squeeze those kiddies of yours that little bit harder for me, and in the tough moments just try to find that gratitude for being able to mother a little (or big!) someone a lot of us don’t get the chance to do.
Love & sunshine to you all xx
And PS Mum I'm all good now so please don't worry xx
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