My weight has always been a problem for me. From basically when I started drinking the weight crept on & stayed on. I’ve been a yo-yo dieter and my weight has gone up & down & up & down.
It has been such a constant strain in my life as I’ve never been happy with my body or how I look. And how do I cope with this? By eating. It’s a fucking viscous cycle.
When my mood is down, is the worst time for me because I have nothing to focus on & drive me. I choose to eat & eat some more. Then my mood gets worse, I hate upon myself & beat myself up for eating like I did.
I’m not sure exactly where this self-destruction comes from. But no matter what I do it never becomes easier or acceptable. I’ve had boyfriends break up with me because of my weight (that’s more about them though than me, that I know) and have been treated differently when I was bigger.
I am, on a daily basis, having a mental battle about starting afresh each day - planning out a better day of eating but to come undone at some point & then just continue down the spiral.
Before I moved to Perth I got fit, I lost a lot of weight & felt fantastic. But with the move over to Perth I drank way too much, ate way too much shit & found myself at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been. Part of what got me to that point too was an unhappiness being in Perth away from family & friends, in jobs I didn’t like & no friends to spend time with. My world all of a sudden had become quite insular & that wasn’t / isn’t who I am.
So with the focus moving toward IVF & needing to lose weight to start that (we were doing our treatment via a bulk bill clinic) it gave me a new focus for the weight loss.
23kg loss I reached earlier in 2020 & fuck I felt good (I think it was probably closer to 30kg from my heaviest but didn’t weigh myself then) My mood was lifted, my work output was great, I was motivated to do stuff at home, I was running more in my walks & fitting into clothes sizes I hadn’t worn in YEARS!
However since our last & final IVF attempt started in June & then subsequently failed in August I’ve put back on around 8kg. And fuck I hate it. I am so angry & frustrated at myself for doing so. So again, to cope, I FUCKING EAT. And eat shit: chocolate, chips, shapes, lollies, Christmas cake, too much bread, too many “easy options” for lunches, too many takeaways. The clothes I was feeling great wearing are now getting tighter or too small to wear. The negative talk in my head is getting worse & worse each day.
One of the positives though is I have gotten into a great routine walking with Daisy & that has been my saving grace. I would hate to think where I would be if I hadn’t kept this up.
I know there is no magic pill for this, but sometimes I so wish there was. I’ve started talking to my psychologist about my internal battles, but even writing this has made me realise there’s probably a lot more I need to unpack around this.
I’ve tried so many different things over the years. Lite’n Easy, weight watchers, body trim/slim, shakes, joined a gym, quit a gym, engaged a PT, done a bootcamp, quit a bootcamp. One trainer, who I really respect, had her clients weigh themselves daily & use the weekly average weight. This was great for a time but then I became to obsessive with it & it ended up setting my mood for the day based on whatever the scales read. My next obsession came with my walking & making sure I got my 10,000 steps each day. I still struggle taking a rest day, my mind goes all kinds of places by not doing something, but I know my body needs it.
I am super hard on myself, I know this, but I can’t see a way out of this cycle at this stage. I don’t know how I can best do this consistently day in day out & actually come to like the person I see in the mirror. I’ve come to learn you can do all you can to train & eat well but if your mind is not where it should be then the rest won’t follow.
If this post resonates with any of you reading this or you have your own experiences to share with me, please reach out. I would love to hear from you.
B 💕
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